Twelve Roses and a Receipt
by Wellingtonboots
Summary: After Bespin, Luke is reunited with Darth Vader when a cruel trick of fate throws them into an alternative universe where Order 66 failed and they are forced to act like a functional family. Vader/Padme and baby Luke
1. Prologue

**Title:** Twelve Roses and a Receipt

**Chapter:** 0. A Shameless Introduction

**Summary:** After Bespin, Luke is reunited with his father and mother when a cruel trick of fate throws them into an alternative universe where Palpatine failed and they are forced to act like a functional family. Vader/Padme and baby Luke.

**Keywords:**

**Rating: G**

**Genre: **Adventur

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e/Humour

**Timeline:** Post ESB/ Legacy Era

**Author:** Wellingtonboots

**Archive:** Slytherin Serpent,

**Status:** Short Multi-chapter

* * *

**AN: This is the **_**short**_** story I wanted to write all along. **

* * *

It all started with a dozen roses and a receipt.

The roses were for Luke and the receipt was for Vader but that is not to say these two items had anything to do with each other. In fact Luke, who was bathing at the time, did not want the roses and Vader, who was choking a prisoner at the time, _did_ want the receipt.

If the force provided hindsight Luke would have kept quiet about the roses and Vader would have choked the delivery man. Thankfully this was not to be the case because then there would be no story.

Thus the story begins on opposite sides of the galaxy with two completely different people who were convinced they had nothing to do with each other.

It was dark but on Coruscant dark was only a relative term. The neon lights and traffic trails covered every inch of sky and night was simply a time for sleep, whilst day was a time for work.

Darth Vader didn't sleep. There were some who believed he did, even more believed he didn't and a small splinter group existed that believed he was a deity who slept all the time.

Darth Vader mediated and this did for him what sleep did for mere mortals. Thus he spent a good eight hours a day on Coruscant meditating. However, you will remember that when the fateful receipt arrived he was not meditating or sleeping or being worshiped by a small splinter group, though he had no control over that. Darth Vader was interrogating a prisoner.

The said prisoner was a small squat Rebel pilot called "PI51" but that is not say his mother had a cruel sense of humour. PI51 was his prisoner number and Darth Vader couldn't care less what sense of humour his mother had but judging by the prisoner's appearance his name could not have been too flattering

The interrogation had been going well and Vader had successfully found out that Luke Skywalker was still flying with the Rogues, still in love with the Princess and still wore waterproof underwear at night. Not that he particularly enjoy hearing that last part, or the part before that, or even the part before that.

Unfortunately, what Vader hadn't found out was the location of the Rebel base.

But the delivery man strolled in at that point, thrust a pen under his metaphorical nose and demanded a signature. Normally this behaviour led to a short career but this particular delivery man was an indispensable asset to Vader's intelligence network and not to mention naturally invisible to the naked eye.

Thus Vader cut short the interrogation (by choking the prisoner to death) and joyfully took possession of a very important receipt.

Luke, on the other hand, had just received another hand and had been careful to keep the artificial limb out of the bath tub while he was bathing. Thankfully he _was_ bathing when the fateful roses were delivered so there is no need to go into his sleeping habits. Needless to say nightmares (and waterproofs) feature greatly.

The delivery man let himself in, dumped the roses and promptly ran away before Luke could even drag himself out of the tub. However, the ever faithful R2 was on hand to electrocute the culprit on his way out and take a picture.

It was clear that the roses were part of an elaborate hoax because the delivery man was Wes Janson and the card said "To Luke Vader"

Needless to say Luke screamed like a bashee and flung the roses all over the floor.

* * *

**AN: The Prologue is just a humourous introduction.**


	2. A Beacon of Hope

**Title:**

Twelve Roses and a Receipt

**Chapter:** 1. A Beacon of Hope.

**Keywords:**

**Rating: G**

**Genre: **Adventure/Humour

**Timeline:** Post ESB/ Legacy Era

**Author:** Wellingtonboots

**Archive:** Slytherin Serpent,

**Status:** Short Multi-chapter

* * *

**AN:** Small AU diversion: Han has not been captured by Fett and is very much involved because I love him too much to not write about him.

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* * *

Wes Janson could be heard howling with laughter all the way up in the command tower.

"Did you see his face when he read _from Vader_?" said Hobbie slapping Wes on the back as they replayed the video for the tenth time. "Oh man, it just gets better every time."

"I didn't write _from Vader_. I forgot the _from_," confessed Wes through his hiccups.

"Oh so it's just _To Luke Vader_, then."

"Yeah but he still wet himself."

"I would too if I got something from Vader…maybe we should tell him."

"Nah, the stupid droid got a picture of me anyway so he knows it's just a joke."

"He sure screams loud."

"Yeah, play it again!"

Luke was sweating once again as he assured himself that it had just been a stupid joke but the words _Luke Vader_ shocked him to the core. Only in his worst nightmares had those two words been locked together in print as though it was the way his name was meant to be.

No, he was Luke _Skywalker_ and no one could possibly take that from him.

Three months ago, reverence and love for the memory of Anakin was the centre of his existence but Vader had taken that from him too. Now there was nothing left, not even the dreams of finally making his father proud.

_But you still can_, said the nasty voice inside his head. _You still can._

For two treacherous days he had thought about that voice, about those promises, about _him_.

_If I were to join him…_

No more starvation rations, no more living like an outlaw, no more bathing restrictions…no more stupid pranks.

He could have all the things he ever wanted. Money, fame, power…and his father. Every day the prospect became more seductive and Luke knew Vader had planned it that way.

"You know, instead of just wallowing in self pity, I suggest you take revenge,"

Luke stiffened with fright but instantly realised it was only Han letting himself in with a lopsided grin and two bottles of beer. It was time to shelve his own problems

"But I'm afraid you're a little too late for that. Ever since you told Leia, she's been trying to come up with a suitably evil punishment for the two of them. So far there's cleaning out the lavatories, grounding them for life, or making them give you a sponge bath."

Luke took the liberty of looking completely horrified.

"Don't worry I told her it would be more of a punishment for you because you're not gay, no matter what rumours have been spreading."

"_Rumours_?"

"Yeah, kid, you can't hole yourself up for three months and not attract gossip."

"You mean people actually think that _I'm in love with Vader_!"

Han snorted so loudly that Luke had a feeling that something unsavoury may have been ejected from his nose.

"_No_! I admit there's some pretty whacked up people here but _no-one_ would suggest _anything_ like that…unless of course _it's true_?"

"Shut up, Han!" hissed Luke through gritted teeth.

"Okay, to the point Wes and Hobbie have officially been assigned to desk duty so you and Wedge will be filling their places on the next recon mission. It'll be with Tycho and the new girl Shira Brie."

"Oh yeah, I've heard of Shira, she's the pretty one with the long brown hair."

"I knew you were straight, buddy, and everyone else will too if you bust up Janson's face in the mess hall today."

"No, Han."

* * *

The recon mission was routine and therefore boring. The make shift squadron was poor matched as Tycho was too cocky and Wedge too serious. To top it all up Luke was too busy thinking about Shira's hair to notice his crumbling team. However it was not until they dropped out of hyperspace that Tycho turned his previous remarks at the base into a full-blown argument with Wedge.

"I swear the Imps aren't unto anything. If this transmission beacon is half as important as you all think it is the Imps would have blown it up months before we even heard of it."

"Tycho, the Empire does not know that we know what they are up to. Give high command some credit because they know much more than any of us, so for now just obey your orders," said Wedge sternly.

"Oh please, this is a waste of time. No action at all. May as well be back at base eating soup."

Luke should have intervened but before he could even open his mouth. The beacon registered on his scopes and he hurried studied the overall readouts.

The main target of their reconnaissance mission was simply to identify the beacon and anything around it that might hinder a future expedition. From the readouts that were being generated by R2 the transmissions beacon was perched precariously on a tiny asteroid shaped moon orbiting around a smaller version of Hoth.

Unfortunately that was not all.

"I'm detecting a really strong magnetic field. It seems to be natural," said Luke nervously over the comm link.

"I wonder what's making it," said Wedge as he pulled back alongside Luke's X-wing.

"It could be the asteroid, or even the planet but it sure is strong. Prepare to experience some turbulence in two minutes."

As the his X-wing drew closer to the beacon Luke felt the force around him spark with electric excitement as though the magnetic field was somehow stimulating the force. The feeling only intensified as his X-wing started to shudder in the magnetic turbulence. Thankfully the ship's shields were holding up and there was little interference with the central computer.

"We...have to…land" hissed Wedge's broken voice over the comm link as the signal was almost destroyed by the intensifying magnetic field.

There was no point in answering. Luke pulled his craft down towards the surface in the same graceful way he executed all his landings despite the juddering ship.

However as he came within several kilometres of the asteroid, the ship suddenly stilled but the force was as lively as ever. It swirled like a Tatooine sand storm forcing him to connect it in a feeble effort to calm the energy, but it felt to Luke as though the force was controlling him instead of the other way around.

"Hey, it's gone," said Tycho with unrestrained delight. No matter how self confident he liked to act flying through such an intense magnetic field must have shaken the young pilot.

"I'm guessing this beacon is generating some sort of shield," said Shira, speaking up for the first time, "but it doesn't make sense at all. With that kind of magnetic interference no signal could possible be transmitted or received."

"Perhaps, it's not a signal beacon at all," replied Wedge, sounding ominously pessimistic.

Luke reached out to the force once more hoping to feel if there was anything unusual about this small moon, but he was bombarded with a feeling of restlessness and unease as though something drastic was going to happen. The force being so unstable could not provide him with anything else.

"I don't sense anything too bad," said Luke cautiously. It was too hard to explain to the pilots that the force was going crazy all around him. "it just feels as though something real big is going to happen."

He did not need the force to know that Shira was staring at her comm link in surprise.

"How?"

"I'm force sensitive," muttered Luke feeling suddenly self-conscious. "I can feel things before they happen."

"Yeah like those Jedi Knights. They could like divine the future and everything," interrupted Tycho with great enthusiasm. Tycho was captivated by the force; he loved stories about the Jedi Knights and how they could do the impossible.

"Well…" said Shira uncertainly, "I suppose we should keep our eyes peeled."

"Luke, does the force say whether it's a bad or good thing that's gonna happen?" asked Wedge. After the Battle of Yavin, Wedge had learnt to trust the force even more than Luke did and right now he was ready to turn back on the strength of Luke's feelings.

"I…I don't know," Luke admitted sheepishly. "It's just so excited and restless…I can't make heads or tails of it."

"Perhaps we should just carry out our investigation and leave," suggested the fifth pilot, Pash Craken, who had a reputation for being a "good level headed chap", though Luke did not know him personally.

"He's right, we have orders to follow," said Luke decisively for there was no need to simply abort a mission on the strength of a few jittery feelings. "Delta formation, fly once around the moon with all surveillance equipment on."

The Rogue obeyed instantly and the squadron swept the equator of the moon in a few short minutes.

"Nothing," confirmed Tycho.

"I got nothing either," said Luke.

"Nope," contributed Shira, "unless you count the beacon."

"I guess there really is nothing there." Pash Cracked sounded almost relieved but Luke knew Wedge wasn't so easily appeased.

"The beacon is self sustaining. We know that, but surely if the Imperials were using it -,"

"Look, Wedge," snapped Tycho totally forgetting who was the senior pilot, "it's probably just some stupid back water beacon used to stop ships from ramming into this rock."

"Perhaps it is disused," suggested Pash, "I mean we all the know the Empire had a big campaign in the Senex sector to flush out resistance cells."

Suddenly R2's urgent message was scrawled across Luke's screen.

"Hey, R2 says that the beacon is active. It's not transmitting anything but it's got a data store of past transmissions and can potentially be activated at any time!"

"Stars!" exclaimed Pash sounding uncharacteristically excited. "It could hold some really vital data."

"Or it could just be 'take care to avoid the rock, Star Destroyer _Harbinger of Boredom_'," sniggered Tycho, "besides I though this was a recon mission on a 'find and retrieve' mission."

"Look, we may as well do what Pash says just on the off chance that there is some vital information in it. I'll get R2 to hack into its computer and download the contents. You guys cover me," ordered Luke.

"How can you get close enough?" demanded Shira as though he had just suggested they capture the _Executor_.

"He's _Luke Skywalker_," snorted Tycho and Luke couldn't help feeling a sense of pride.

He easily manoeuvred his craft towards the small iron tower the dominated the flat dull surface of the tiny moon. Small craters became visible but there were no signs of unnatural activity as Luke had known all long.

Within point blank range of the beacon, Luke could see that it was old but functional with only a little corrosion of the structure that could be attributed to the practically non-existent atmosphere.

Behind him the Rogue squad formed a protective circle but as Tycho would say, there was no way in _Sith Hell_ that the Imps would turn up _here_.

Gathering the force around him was easier than ever as the energy practically enveloped him in its swirling mass of energy. Suddenly his senses became much sharper, he could see the distance between the top of the tower, where the external socket was, and R2's rounded dome. Without any hesitation Luke pushed his X-wing down until the force warned him in its electrifying way to stop just at the right moment.

Through the comm Shira gasped with awe and Luke felt his cheeks colouring with embarrassment.

_Well at least she thinks I'm good, _Luke thought, thoroughly glad that Shira could not read his mind.

"Right, R2 see if you can link to the socket and be quick about it, I'd hate to miss dinner."

R2 said something rather rude and proceeded to stretch out his little claws to the beacon's main computer.

"_It's strange system,"_ R2's anxious statement glowed on the screen before Luke.

"Well, I'm sure you can hack it anyway."

"_Of course I can."_ Was the indignant reply.

"Hey, how's it going?" demanded Tycho over the comm as he kept his X-wing stationary.

"R2 says the computer has a system he doesn't recognise. It doesn't appear to be any Imperial code we've ever come across."

"Precisely!" cried Wedge triumphantly. "I knew the Imperials had something to hide here."

"No, Wedge," interrupted Luke before his friend could construct a whole conspiracy theory. "It's probably because it's some sort of unofficial, illegal thing. Anyway it doesn't matter now R2's got the data."

"We're going home!" cried Tycho, "Meatballs for dinner…"

* * *

"Luke!"

It was Leia running up to him as though she was so glad he hadn't committed suicide yet.

"Hi, Leia," muttered Luke.

"Evening, Your Highness," said Wedge politely.

"Oh, call me Leia."

"Have the techs cracked the code yet," demanded Luke before Wedge could correct himself.

"That data you bought back is really odd you know," replied Leia, her face taking on a pensive look as though she found the matter to be academically interesting. "They say it's coded but not according to any Imperial or Alliance schematic, though there are elements of both in the encrypting. I suppose it must be unofficial, probably to do with smuggling or illegal trading."

"The intelligence said that they had detected tangible Imperial interest in that beacon."

Luke sounded just short of whining but he fervently wished that the mission had not been in vain. So many leads had come to dead ends so far and somewhere the Second Death star was being built free from Rebel interference.

"Well, you have to agree it's good that Empire has kept its nose out of one corner of this galaxy. Besides it might still be of some use to us, heaven knows there a lot more to this war than the Empire."

Suddenly the comm link dangling from the Princess's slender hip started to beep and she hurriedly grabbed it before passing personnel used the noise as an excuse to stare at her.

"General Rieekan…yes they're right here…we'll be right there!" turning back to the two bewildered pilots, Leia cried, "they've cracked it and it's a virtual gold mine!"

Ten minutes later Luke sat squeezed between Rieekan and Madine looking completely flabbergasted.

"It's can't be," exclaimed Rieekan looking for all his worth like a fish out of water. "The Empire has only been in existence for 24 years."

"Yes but it clearly says these transmissions are 64 and 65 years after the formation of the Empire," said the technician in an unpleasantly patronising tone.

"Well, perhaps the computer was busted," offered Wedge reasonably. "I didn't get a closer look but that moon was the size of an asteroid and pretty scarred to boot."

"There are no signs of corruption or damage in any part of the data Commander Skywalker retrieved. According to the records this beacon was used by the Empire, then abandoned for twenty years after which it was reactivated to deal with a certain "Vong". We still have no idea what this code name is referring to. After an intensive period of activity this beacon lay dormant for another fifteen years and it was then that the last two transmissions were made."

The patronising technician pointed to the last two entries on the holo projector with the date _July 64_ _EGE _and in brackets beside the date, almost as an after thought, was another date: _July 40 ABY_.

"You all know that EGE means the _Establishment of the Galactic Empire,_ therefore _ABY_ we have taken to mean _after the battle of Yavin_."

Luke wondered how much more surprise he could take before passing out cold. It was one thing obtaining ground breaking Imperial intelligence, but quite another to find that the said intelligence actually came from the future.

"This is preposterous," snapped Madine. "Are you leading us to believe that these transmission or what ever they are came from _the future_?"

"Well currently that is our theory, yes," replied the technician looking as serene as a Jedi Master.

"We all know that time travel -," began Leia, who sounded slightly flustered but Luke could sense her growing excitement through the force.

"Yes, but the pilots have reported that there was a very intense magnetic field around the beacon," said Truman, the senior Communications Officer.

"It wasn't that intense," admitted Luke hesitantly, "nothing a lone x-wing couldn't handle."

"All the same, we can't really rule anything out until we can go back and get a check up on that beacon, a full check up," stated Truman and Luke was unnerved to sense that the man was actually happy about the development.

"Very well," said General Rieekan solemnly, "I'll send a team of specialist escorted by the Rogue Squad tomorrow to investigate."

Wedge and Luke exchanged very worried looks.

* * *

Darth Vader looked worried, though no one could actually see his facial expression nor did anyone actually know what he looked like. There had been a time when people gazed upon his face with envy or joy but now…well, he liked to think fear was a much better emotion.

The report from his spy had been less than favourable. _The Rebels had got there first_ but as usual the disorganized band of criminals had totally missed the point. Those useless dissidents could not possibly fathom what was really going on but Vader knew that they would still be a great hindrance.

It was time to put a discreet stop to their activities.

However he had other things to see to right now, the most important being a call to his Sith Master, who was impatiently waiting an update on their latest venture.

"Lord Vader," said the blue figure of the Emperor looking down at the kneeling figure with approval.

"Yes Master,"

"You have brought me good news." It was a statement for the Emperor prided himself on being able to accurately divine the future. However this time Vader seriously doubted the Emperor's abilities. Rebel interference was not good news.

"Master, the Rebels have discovered the object of our investigation," rumbled Vader.

"I know, Lord Vader, but they are a simple nuisance. They cannot possibly fathom what we have discovered."

"No, master," agreed Vader hoping that the Emperor would be appeased by his submission.

"I sense that you are wary of this phenomena, I sense fear in you."

"I am not afraid, my master. I live to inspire fear in others."

"And so you do, Lord Vader," said the Emperor contemplatively. "I want you to personally investigate this time portal and bring me the details by tomorrow. If it indeed behaves as I have predicted, we will be on the verge of creating a power greater than anything that has ever come before."

"Yes, master," said Vader hoping to keep the sarcasm out of his voice. Of all the Emperor's schemes, time travel seemed to be the most bizarre. Messing around with time and space was the last thing Vader wanted to do but as the Emperor's ambition was insatiable he had little choice.

The transmission was cut and that left only one thing for Vader to do: organize an expedition.

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**AN: Setting the scene for a big reunion. Please review - it means so much to me that someone actually boths to respond to the words I type.**


	3. Brave New World

**Title:**

**Chapter:** 2. Brave New World

**Summary:** After Bespin, the force grants Luke's wish and throws him, with Darth Vader for good measure, into another universe where everything is 'right' but nothing is quite right enough.

**Keywords:**

**Rating: G**

**Genre: **Adventure/Humour

**Timeline:** Post ESB/ Legacy Era

**Author:** Wellingtonboots

**Archive:** Slytherin Serpent,

**Status:** Short Multi-chapter

* * *

Luke stiffened as his X-wing came out of hyperspace. The force was making him agitated and nervous. The ominous sense of impending doom had only intensified in the last few hours and for once in his life, Luke regretted volunteering for a mission.

_If only Wes and Hobbie had not been grounded, they could easily have filled his post. _

To his left, the small sleek craft carrying several technicians, a geologist and Princess Leia glided smoothly between its honorary escort of X-wings.

R2 was beeping happily away about his upcoming oil bath and Luke sensed the other Rogues were calm but alert. However that did nothing to sooth his raw nerves.

_Something was going to happen…something big._

The beacon loomed ahead like an abominable finger and Luke felt an impulsive unexplainable hatred towards the pile of durasteel.

Suddenly an explosion of fear wracked the force and Luke felt as though he had been electrocuted but a flash of recognition registered in his shocked mind.

_TIE fighters!_

"Incoming, TIE fighters!" he screamed down the comm link without even providing an explanation.

Wedge responded immediately swinging to attack mode and one by one the Rogue squad followed without too much hesitation even though nothing was registering on their scopes.

"Convoy, preparing for combat," reported the captain of the vessel with a strained voice. The small craft had been a leisure yacht for a moderately wealthy couple but since its donation to the Rebel Cause the ship sported four guns and torpedoes on each side.

Luke fervently hoped that the convoy would not be exposed but right now there were only seven Rogues against what felt like an outlandishly large Empire force.

_They must have known we were coming…somehow they knew._

But there was no more time for wide speculation for his alarm systems flared to life and two full squadrons of Imperial TIEs appeared on the scope like a horde of lizard-ants. Thankfully this gave them the advantage for Luke knew that X-wing scopes had twice the range of any Imperial vessel.

Right now, he had to save Leia and the technicians.

"Convoy retreat now! We will cover you!" ordered Luke, hoping for once that Leia's suicidal streak would not interfere.

"Commander you cannot take those ships on your own," protested the Captain.

"We're not taking them on; we'll get out on our own. Just get the Princess and the others to safety. That is _an order_!"

He hated to pull rank but in this case anything would do.

"Very well, Commander. May the Force be with you."

There was no time for reflection or even a weary smile; the TIEs were coming around the moon with the X-wings on their scopes.

White fighters swarmed the scene but Luke saw the convoy escape into Hyperspace before the first Imperial ship was in shooting range. His sense of relief was short lived for three screaming ships rushed towards him, each one intent on blowing him to pieces.

_Ha, let's see how good you are!_ thought Luke as he felt his fear morph into excitement.

Swerving to his left, Luke nimbly dodged the first fighter and with force assisted precision fired upon the second. Before him the unfortunate TIE exploded, engulfing its partner in the flames.

_Two down, another twenty to go…_

Pushing his craft to its top speed Luke plunged into the midst of the TIE formation hoping to catch them off guard. Streaks of green and red light shot randomly in all directions lit up the battle field and enveloped the remaining Rogue fighters.

Using the force to guide his path, Luke ducked and dived, shooting only when he knew the bolt would find its target. All around him great fire balls of light sparked into existence as more and more TIE were hit but there were simply too many of them.

Suddenly the heat of the battle was stripped from his veins and his blood seemed to freeze even as his heart pounded away. A single TIE Advanced was pulling out of formation, heading directly for him. The force suddenly shifted as though its entire balance had changed and a cold dark presence gushed into Luke's mind like poisoned vapour.

_**Son, we meet again…**_

Luke screamed with fright and felt his whole being convulse as he felt the Dark Lord of the Sith stretching the cold tentacles of the Dark Side into his mind. The X-wing spun out of control and careered towards the incoming TIE Advanced. A sudden, urgent call sparked through their bond.

_**Control your ship!**_

It was too late, the X-wing was moving too fast and Luke's mind was still frozen from shock. His eyes only registered the ghostly form of Vader's TIE as it flew in to meet his own craft. They were going to die…together.

Just as Luke prepared to feel the heat of an explosion, the TIE veered to his left and nicked the X-Wing sending them both tumbling out of the battlefield and into the tiny moon.

* * *

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Wedge Antilles could only watch helplessly as the ferocious magnetic field bashed the X-wing and the TIE like insects. Just as he thought they were going to crash into the moon both crafts disappeared.

Wedge did the only thing he could think of,

"Retreat! Rogues retreat!"

* * *

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Sunlight hit Luke's eyes like a laser and thawed out his frozen mind in an instant. Luke jerked forwards to control his craft even as the forest covered ground rushed up to meet him. All his alarm systems were blaring and R2 was screaming: _engine failure!_

Drawing on the force, Luke sought out a clearing in the jungle and desperately manoeuvred his shattering craft towards it. In a second the jungle had swallowed his craft the ground crashed into his view screen. With one mighty shudder his X-Wing came to a stop with half its nose buried in the ground.

Luke drew a shaky breath and grinned despite his condition,

_I made it,_

The strangeness of his situation dawned on him and without even bothering to ask R2 whether this foreign planet was habitable, Luke eagerly scrambled out of his craft…only to come face to face with a red lightsabre pointed directly at his throat.

The Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader stared down at him from a great height.

_Oh Sithspawn!_

In the moment of distraction his blaster ripped itself from his hip and handed in Vader's outstretched hand.

_Oh double Sithspawn!_

"Get of the X-wing and take off your flight suit," rumbled Vader. "You won't be going anywhere."

Luke had not choice but to obey. Behind him R2 beeped noisily at Vader as though warning him to back off.

"Quiet R2, you don't to be fried," said Luke as calmly as possible. Some of the initial adrenaline had worn off and as he stripped off his orange flight suite he had the luck to see Vader's TIE lying mangled amongst the nearby trees.

_So he's not going anywhere either._

Luke felt a sense of petty delight at seeing that he had made the better landing despite being a less experienced pilot.

However the horrid reality dawned on him. He was stuck in a jungle with an asthmatic Sith, a cheeky astromech droid, two busted snub fighter and no means of escape.

_Ah, the father-son camping trip you always wanted_, said that evil little voice in the back of his head.

After Vader had successfully used the force pulled R2 out of the wreckage of the X-wing, Luke sat back next to the TIE Advanced and contemplated escape. Considering his hands and feet were locked in binders, _escape_ was going to be rather hard.

"I would not attempt it then, my son," said Vader as he released R2 from the invisible grip.

"Stop reading my mind," hissed Luke in agitation.

"Do not speak to me like that," rumbled Vader and waved a disapproving finger in Luke's direction. "Just because I do not plan on killing you, does not mean I will tolerate any insubordination."

Luke merely scowled back at the towering figure, who did not look so fearsome standing in the bright sunlight of the forest surrounded by bird song and colourful flowers.

Perhaps loosing his blinding fear of the Dark Lord was a good thing, for as Luke studied Darth Vader, he realised how human he now seemed in this non-combative situation. The old fear and hatred seemed to have faded into the background and now all he felt was wariness and…_curiosity_.

_But he cut off my arm!_ snarled the righteously indignant part of his ego that refused to believe in anything other than complete revenge.

_How could you do that…to your own son?_

Vader must have heard him for with one magnificent sweep of his cloak, he turned round to face the young rebel and suddenly the Dark Lord looked much more fearsome.

"You would have done exactly the same to me," replied Vader in his baritone voice. "I was merely acting out of self defence."

The words stung Luke as though he had hoped for another explanation, or no explanation at all, but Vader sounded so flippant, so uncaring.

If Vader had felt Luke's pain he ignored it and carried on the more important task of retrieving supplies from his crashed TIE fighter. Luke had not bought anything with him save R2 for he had not expected to crash onto a foliage covered planet.

_Where are we anyway?_

"I do not know, young one," replied Vader, who had evidently not given up reading Luke's thoughts. "The wormhole could have dropped us anywhere in time and space."

"_Wormhole?_" said Luke totally forgetting whom he was talking to, "What's that?"

"A wormhole is a tear in the fabric of space-time, like a Black Hole but it does not absorb matter. However it seems that matter can travel through it as we have done."

"So can we go back if we fix our ship?" asked Luke eagerly but Vader merely stared back at him as though he had suggested calling the Emperor for help.

"A wormhole has no fixed origin in time or space. If we retrace our steps, we would simply end up in another point in space-time."

"You mean we're stuck here, _forever_!" cried Luke feeling a sudden coldness descend upon him even though the atmosphere was hot and humid.

Vader did not answer instead he pulled out another rucksack from his TIE fighter and dropped it on top of R2 who whistled in protest.

"Hand it to my son," order Vader and R2 obliged with a few electronic insults.

Inside the stand Imperial issue bag was a fortnight's worth of rations and a med pack for two. However Luke thrust it aside and glared back up at Vader.

"Is there no other way of getting back and don't lie!"

"You are in no position to demand anything from me, Luke," rumbled Vader not even looking in his direction. "You will be informed on what I deem fit, but as an answer to your question, I do not know."

"_What_?"

"I do not know," repeated Vader sounding dangerously annoyed and Luke slumped back against the underbelly of the snub fighter. Of all the replies he didn't want to hear…it just had to be _I don't know_. If Vader didn't have a clue, then Luke, the uneducated farm boy from Tatooine, may as well throw in the towel and build a mud hut on this deserted moon.

"It is not deserted," said Vader as he closed the entrance to the TIE fight having extracted everything of use.

"_What_?" cried Luke again; he was not a very articulate person, particularly when surprised.

"There is a civilisation some twenty kilometres to the north that showed on my scopes."

"Really, but I thought we could be like in a time before civilisation or maybe it's all just primitive non-space travelling…"

"I do not think we are that far in the past, my son, for I managed to pick up a recognisable signal."

Luke had half a mind to tell Vader that he did not like being referred to as _my son_ because he clearly wasn't much of a father but he would be stuck with the Sith Lord for some time…

"How long will it take for us to get there?" demanded Luke and R2 beeped in annoyance at the idea of travelling on foot for twenty kilometres.

"A day at the most, if you are as fit as you appear."

Luke tried to look affronted but the remark had been something of a compliment, though it made him green just thinking about compliments from _Vader_.

With one slight gesture of the force, the binders fell away and for half a moment Luke wanted to run but common sense got the better of him. His best chance of survival on this strange planet was Vader.

A sudden idea dawned in his mind as Luke picked up the discarded Imperial rucksack.

"Why can't we just fix one of our ships and fly there or something?"

R2 seemed to welcome the idea greatly and wobbled on his short little struts with appreciation.

"Both our engines are beyond repair for we have damaged the same part,"

"You gathered that just by looking at my ship?" asked Luke hoping to disguise the awe in his voice.

Vader did not grace him with a reply. Picking up a large black bag he had retrieved from the TIE fighter, the Dark Lord strolled away into the forest clearly indicating that Luke and R2 should follow him.

Without much choice the two of them trailed after him.

"Well at least I've got you to keep me sane, R2" said Luke cheerful just as the little astromech droid let a squeal and disappeared from sight.

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**AN: Please review, your comments really help me to keep writing and constructive criticism is the best way of improving writing skills!**


	4. Family Therapy

**Title:** Twelve Roses and a Receipt

**Chapter:** 3. Family Therapy Black Hole Style

**Summary:** After Bespin, the force grants Luke's wish and throws him, with Darth Vader for good measure, into another universe where everything is 'right' but nothing is quite right enough.

**Keywords:**

**Rating: G**

**Genre: **Adventure/Humour

**Timeline:** Post ESB/ Legacy Era

**Author:** Wellingtonboots

**Archive:** Slytherin Serpent,

**Status:** Short Multi-chapter

**Dedicated to**: **Valvar for producing such wonderful art!**

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**AN: Thank so much to everyone who reviewed! The plot finally takes off!**

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"Help!" cried Luke as a gaping hole appeared in the forest floor where R2 had been just moments before.

The imposing figure of Darth Vader turned back from his trek and simply stared at Luke as though contemplating whether the annoying droid was worth his time.

"R2's fallen down the hole. You have to help," pleaded Luke as he flattened himself against the ground to reach a hand into the deep well like hole with no bottom in sight. The sunlight that filtered through the thick canopy provided a faint dancing light that made it hard to see very far down.

"Don't," said Vader suddenly and Luke yanked his hand back with fright. "It might be a trap of some kind."

Luke hastily clambered back from the edge in case he would become the second course of something's dinner.

"Is…is R2 still alive down there?" he asked tentatively and then realised that R2 was not technically _alive_ to begin with anyway. "Could you…lift him out of there or something?"

There was no reply as Vader came to stand beside him but Luke had become used to this man's inability to carry on a conversation in the short time they had been together. It seemed the Dark Lord preferred actions to words, a sentiment that Luke found disturbingly familiar.

There was an odd sort of clanking at the bottom of the pit and then R2's characteristic cheerful whistle could be heard a very long way down.

"Hold on in there R2, we're coming to get you!" cried Luke joyfully dropping to his knees and immediately turned to Vader but the Dark Lord was surveying the forest with great interest.

_Great help you are,_ thought Luke sarcastically. Stretching out to the force, he drew the energy around himself and channelled it towards the astromech droid as Yoda had taught him. The force surged forwards at his whim and slowly but surely Luke felt R2 floating up towards them.

When the cheerfully beeping astromech droid was finally back at ground level and looking relatively unscathed, Luke let out a sigh of relief and wiped his sweat caked brow. All that concentration was physically challenging even though Master Yoda had reminded him time and time again that it was the force doing the work and not his muscles.

"There is someone here!" hissed Vader out of the blue and Luke almost fell over in surprise. The Dark Lord had suddenly materialised right behind him with one leather clad claw clamped onto his upper arm.

"How did you do that!" snapped Luke, desperately trying to free himself from the sarlacc like grip.

"Be quiet," snarled the Darth Vader and emphasized his point by cutting off the circulation to Luke's left arm. "I sense a presence – a presence I have not felt for…a very long time."

"Another Jedi you failed to kill?" growled Luke feeling his hand steadily going numb under the pressure. "Poor Ben wasn't enough for -,"

One black leather hand shot across his vision like a bird of prey and clasped his mouth in a bruising hold.

"Mmmph!"

"I _said_ be quiet"

Somewhere in the oppressive silence of the undergrowth Luke heard a faint rustling noise. Curiously he stretched out to the force hoping to feel the same sense of peace and calm that Luke had always associated with Ben. However what he felt was something completely different. The force aura was a bright, flaring swirl of light but its volatile strength had none of the controlled serenity a Jedi would have mastered.

"Ummmph!" snarled Luke as he struggled in vain to release Vader's death grip and warn the Dark Lord's quarry.

Through the force Luke felt the new presence approaching them steadily; soon they would get the first glimpse of the mysterious stranger.

Vader seemed have frozen into a defensive stance as though he was expecting to be attacked at any moment. The hand that was not crushing Luke's jaw, rested lightly on the black hilt of his lightsabre, ready to draw at a moment's notice.

Suddenly _she_ burst out from the thick undergrowth at the other end of clearing, looking even more surprised to see them as they were to see her.

Even from a distance Luke noticed how strikingly beautiful she looked, despite the dirty cargo pants and the baggy off-white shirt she wore. Her long brown hair was wrapped in braid around her neck like a shining bronze torque. In her right hand, she held a standard issue blaster with a casualness that told of countless hours spent clutching the weapon.

Behind him, Vader's respirator stopped working…

However, before Luke could get his hopes up, the harsh grating noise of Vader's breath restarted.

"_Padme!"_ A desperate, aching cry escaped Vader's lips and Luke found himself released from the Dark Lord's hold.

"Who?" asked Luke feeling almost was staggered as Vader sounded.

"It can't be _true_!" This time Luke felt a pulse of pure rage crashing against his mental shields. Taking it to mean only one thing, Luke jumped out in front of Vader with both hands outstretched.

"No! I won't let you hurt her!"

However it was all in vain as the woman, Padme, was already crossing the clearing with a determined stride.

"Stop!" cried Luke turning away from Vader and addressing her, "he wants to kill you!"

"Not, quite as much as I want to kill him, I can assure you," said Padme coolly as she can to halt just paces away from Luke and Darth Vader.

_If this was a cartoon_, thought Luke cynically, _my eyes would have fallen to the floor like pair of yoyos by now_.

Behind him, Vader's respirator skipped another beat.

"I thought _you_ were _dead_!" he snarled.

"Okay, would either of you kindly fill me in!" snapped Luke looking from one person to the other.

"Who are you?" asked Padme curiously, as she turned to give Luke a closer look.

"_He's our son!_"spat Vader with sudden venom and Luke felt his legs give way under him.

_Well_, thought Luke as his backside became acquainted with floor, _those two really need some marriage counselling. _

It was R2 who broke the silence as he wheeled into the middle of a three-way battle of revelations, beeping urgently.

"Um – guys, R2 says he senses a disturbance in time-space," said Luke hesitantly, as he eyed the little droid. "I didn't know he could do that…"

"I sense it too, the fabric of the universe is tearing apart," replied Vader calmly as though it was a common occurrence.

"How did you arrive here?" asked Padme briskly, pretending she had not heard anything Vader had said, particularly the bit about Luke's parentage.

"Err -," Luke wasn't sure how much he was supposed to tell this strange woman, even if Vader thought she was his _mother_.

"We came to investigate a beacon and were sucked into the worm hole," rumbled Vader, who obviously felt that two could play that the nonchalant game.

"Oh yes, worm hole!" said Luke finally remembering the conversation they had just minutes ago by his mangled x-wing. "That must mean _you_," he pointed at Padme, "must come from a different universe, which would make sense, I mean my _mother_ died when I was born."

Beside him, R2 smacked his dome with a mechanical claw to imitate the exasperated human emotion.

"A worm hole is a one way tunnel," said Padme with a detached air, "enter from A and exit at B."

"So – so…" Luke couldn't find the words to describe the sudden rush of emotions that he felt assaulting his soul. _She_ was his mother, he could feel the truth of it reverberating in the force but _she_ had left him. She had _abandoned_ him as soon as he was born – she had abandoned his father too.

"We are from the same universe," concluded Vader solemnly. Luke tentatively reached out to see what he was feeling but he was met with nothing but a blank wall of shields.

"Well -," said Luke drawing in the force to give him the calm he desperate needed, "R2 thinks that we have to move before we end up getting sucked into another worm hole."

The little droid was not quite satisfied with the translation and beeped something else more fervently,

"And he also thinks…we need to see a family therapist…"

There was a long drawn out silence and then to Luke's astonishment, Padme burst out laughing. Her sudden joyful laughter rang through the forest like a chorus of bells and for several moments Luke was completely mesmerized by its beautiful melody.

"Good old R2, still the droid I remember."

"What?!" gasped Luke, wondering if he was going to pass out from surprise any time soon.

No one cared to enlighten him. Instead Vader simply glared menacingly down at the droid, whilst Padme patted his dirt covered dome as if he was a precocious child.

"Fine," muttered Luke petulantly. "Don't tell me anything! I going!"

"Luke," rumbled Vader stretching out a hand to stop him from marching off into the forest. "If the worm hole is rearranging there is no way to out run it."

"I'm not out-running a semi-mythical phenomenon," spat Luke trying to shake off his father's force grip. "I need to get away from my Sith Lord father, and the woman who abandoned me at birth!"

He didn't know what possessed him to say such things but some of the angry tension that had been building up in the background of shock and awe, dissipated.

"Oh don't worry," said Padme quietly, "I'm sure there will be plenty of space for all of us in the next universe."

Before Luke could even formulate the word, _what_, the very air began to shimmer before his eyes and suddenly he felt a sickening tug as the molecules of his body were swallowed up by the ever expanding whirl of darkness behind him.

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**AN: If you think things can't get worse, next chapter: Vader/Padme acting like a married couple with a toddler Luke to babysit. Please review! I would really love to hear your feedback! **


	5. Marriage Counselling

Title:

Twelve Roses and a Receipt

**Chapter:** 4. A Functional Family

**Summary:** After Bespin, the force grants Luke's wish and throws him, with Darth Vader for good measure, into another universe where everything is 'right' but nothing is quite right enough. A cute Vader/Padme raises Luke story.

**Keywords:**

**Rating: G**

**Genre: **Adventure/Humour

**Timeline:** Post ESB/ Legacy Era

**Author:** Wellingtonboots

**Archive:** Slytherin Serpent,

**Status:** Short Multi-chapter

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**AN: Thank you to everyone who reviewed - this chapter is dedicated to Carrie2Sky who has been so supportive of this story!**

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Suddenly, like a crash landing at several thousand kilometres an hour, Luke felt his body jerk to a halt. Breathing harshly, he instinctively reached out to the force to check that all his limbs were still intact.

_Well, I'm in one piece_.

He realised then that he was lying on his back on something soft and fluffy. A delicious, cosy sense of warmth permeated his body and he suddenly felt decidedly sleepy.

_Oh, stars! Where am I_?

Considering he could scratch all he knew about astrophysics on the broadside of a speeder with a rusty pin, Luke had no idea what should happen when travelling between alternative universes. It all sounded like the cheap, melodramatic huttese soap operas his aunt had been a fan of. According to their insane plot lines, alternative universes were exactly opposite to the real world; hutts were thin, the galaxy was a democracy and Tatooine was the place to be.

_Right I'd better open my eyes before something bad happens_.

As he opened his eyes, Luke realised that he was in some sort of giant cage, one side of which was covered by a strange piece of padded fabric with a Eta-2 starship embroided on the front.

_Now this is downright creepy_

Looking to his left he could see between the even spaced blue bars of his cage to the vast expanse of space beyond. A gigantic double bed with royal blue covers stood in the centre of room and a view port that seemed to over look a giant metropolis covered the opposite wall. There did not seem to be any usable exits.

_Okay, Luke, don't panic…I'm sure this cage business is innocent enough_.

In his mind a thousand very disturbing possibilities rush by. With decided unsavoury outcomes in mind he lifted his head to look down at his own body and almost recoiled with horror. He was wearing nothing but a thick white pair of briefs but that was not all. His body was no longer in proportion. His legs were short and stubby, covered in rolls of fat.

_Help! What's happened to me?_

Luke opened his mouth to instinctive yell for help but to his great dismay a shrieking wail pierced the room. Tears started to obscure his vision and his hands formed fists of their own accord. It took him several moments to realise he was crying, very loudly.

"Oh no!" a strangely familiar electronic voice floated into the room.

Desperately Luke wiped the tears from his eyes and attempted to get up from his prone position but found the action far too exhausting. In _this_ universe he had no muscle tone to speak of. With a great effort he hauled his upper body into a sitting position and found his legs simply would not stand.

"Oh, the baby is crying!"

To Luke's astonishment, it was unfortunate he had spent the last day feeling nothing but pure shock, he saw the shining gold plated C3PO waving his arms in despair.

"He could be sick!"

"3PO – m' fine!" said Luke but he found his tongue too hard to control and his words became terribly slurred.

_Great! Even the muscles in my tongue refuse to work properly!_

"Mistress Padme! Master Luke is talking!"

Luke wasn't sure if it was joy or just a more elevated level of panic that coloured 3PO's tone.

_Wait, did he just say _baby?

"I'm coming 3PO," said the same calm voice that he had become acquainted with just moments ago.

Padme emerged from the hallway but this was not the woman that he just met. The traces of wrinkles had disappeared from her face and her skin was beautifully pale. The worn combat uniform she had been wearing was now a simple elegant dressed made from shimmering silk.

_Holy veermok dung, we've just travelled back in time_.

"I'll be able to handle it from here, 3PO,"

The protocol droid departed but not without a fuss.

"I know it's you," murmured Padme as she leant over the side of his cage. The scent of her perfume filled Luke's nostrils. Never in his life had he smelt anything so pleasant before. Her shimmer dressed blocked the room of view and she filled his entire field of vision with her radiant beauty.

Suddenly he heard footsteps behind her and a familiar dark presence brushed against his mind.

_Oh stars! If Padme is young again – wouldn't Darth Vader be Anakin Skywalker? Well it does explain why I'm a baby…_

As if on cue Anakin Skywalker, complete with black gloved hand and handsome facial scar leant over Padme's shoulder with a sinister smile.

_No!_

That was all he needed to trigger his crying reflex and before he could even rationalise his fear Luke was howling away like a mythical demon.

Strong hands lifted him from his crib and pressed him against the sweet smelling fabric of Padme's shoulder.

"Shh, shh, it's okay," a large hand patted his back and he felt himself being lightly bounced up and down.

"Funny," snarled Darth Vader in Anakin's voice, "I would have thought you to be less – _domesticated_."

"For heaven's sake," muttered Padme, "keep talking like that and Dorme will _know_ something is wrong. We mustn't alert anyone to our _predicament_."

Suddenly Luke felt, rather than saw, Darth Vader reach out and grip Padme's arm in a bruising hold.

"_Let go of me_," she hissed, trying to disguise her gasp of pain.

"My darling, _wife_, I suggest you speak to me with more _respect_,"

Through the force Luke felt Padme's panic rising. With all his strength he tried to pry the huge gloved fingers from her arm with his very stubby and equally useless fingers.

His futile efforts merely put the twisted smile back on Vader's lips.

With a cool sense of self-assurance, Vader simply reach out his natural hand to grasp Luke's hair. With a cry Luke flinched away but there was nowhere to turn but instead of the jarring pain he was familiar with, the rough fingers stroked through his downy locks; taking time to savour each individual curl.

Shock and Padme's arm kept him in place and as Vader stared back at him, Luke could see that the yellow was fading from his irises and a small patch of blue was appearing.

"I haven't been able to do that all my life," said Vader quietly as he finally let go of Luke's hair.

"Well, jumping into a volcano will do that people," said Padme coolly and Luke seriously found himself wondering if she was quite as mentally stable as she seemed.

The yellow fire flared up in Vader's eyes once more and he leaned forwards thrusting his face into hers.

"You _have no idea_ what I have been through!" he sneered. A wave of pure vitriol swept against Luke's mind making him dizzy with emotion.

"Stop it!" snapped Padme, as she cradled his swaying head, "you anger is going to make him sick."

"Well considering he's not _your_ child or _mine_, I'm surprised you even care,"

"Wah!!"

That new revelation jerked Luke from his dark side induced nausea. _Hadn't they said in the clearing, just now that he was their son? What happened…could he have been sent to different universe to the Vader and Padme he had known?_

"_Padme_, choose to enlighten me on a few facts I seem to have missed while you were sleeping,"

The cold, arrogant drawl of Vader's voice was almost drowned out the pounding of blood in Luke's ears.

_I have a bad feeling about this…_

"It seems that my child died in the womb and my _dear_ wife consumed by grief decided to spend the next fifteen years in a convent. Bail Organa, the sly conniving politician, found that one of his twins was force sensitive and afraid for his own skin, sent the boy away to be raised as Luke Skywalker, hoping that Kenobi would take note of the name and train the boy to be a Jedi."

_I can't breathe_! _I can't breathe_! _I'm going to die, Vader's going to kill me now – oh Leia, I'll never get to tell you I'm your brother!_

"Don't you dare!" hissed Padme, shielding Luke from Vader as if she had read his thoughts.

"Unfortunately," continued Darth Vader in a decidedly smug tone, "In this universe, you are very much my child."

"And even more unfortunate for you, you are still a Jedi Knight," said Padme.

Vader's sinister smirk only widened at her comment.

"Oh yes, but you see my dear, I finally get to do what I always intended,"

"Obi-Wan-,"

"I'm not going to _fight_ Obi-wan. I'm going to bring the order down from the inside."

"I'd like to see you try!" spat Padme forgetting for once to keep her voice down.

"Yes, you'll be helping me, my _dear_," replied Vader smoothly, "oh you will be my greatest asset." Releasing the vice like grip he had on her arm, Vader reached out his natural finger to tease her brown curls but Padme jerked back as if his skin burned.

"Get out!" hissed Padme sounding surprisingly fierce.

"Why, milady? After all everyone knows we are husband and wife now."

"You are no_ husband_ of mine, you're a monster wearing Anakin's skin! I wish to the almighty God that I was the one to severe your limbs!"

_Wow, she's sounding more and more like a nut case, _thought Luke as he looked from one adult to the other; _It must have been that convent…Han always did say women go slightly batty without regular action…whatever that means. _

Suddenly a device on Vader's belt emitted a loud beeping noise.

"Well, it seems I am needed at the temple…but don't worry I_ shall_ be back for dinner."

Abruptly Vader strode away with his black cloak billowing out behind like a living entity, leaving two distraught victims in the wake of his psychological torment.

Once he had departed Luke felt Padme visibly relax.

"You 'kay?" ask Luke as he brought his chubby little hands up to her face.

"I'm fine, I'm just fine," whispered Padme, fighting to control her voice.

"Wah happen?"

"I personally have no idea how wormholes operate," replied Padme having regained her usual nonchalant demeanour, "but despite entering at the same time we seem to arrive at different time points. I arrived several days ago and you, just now, but Darth Vader has been here for over two weeks and he's loved every moment of it."

"Why so happy?" asked Luke concentrating very hard on forming each syllable.

"He's got his old body back; he no longer needs that horrible suit. His prowess in the force has grown exponentially and with his long experience he's now much more dangerous than Anakin ever was."

"We stop him!"

"How? I can't warn the Jedi without them finding out about our situation and I know for a fact that Vader will not hesitate to slaughter them all."

As much as Luke feared the Dark Lord of the Sith he found it inconceivable that one Sith could slaughter the entire Jedi order. In his history lessons he had learnt that it took the whole 501st legion to storm the temple.

"Order 66 backfired on Palpatine and the Jedi have him in custody but I _know_ that Vader has something but his sleeve. He would not be so sure of himself, otherwise."

Personally Luke was hoping for the arrogant deportment to be a poorly disguised bluff but having been on the run from the Empire for three years he was beginning to think Vader had never come across the concept of bluffing. There was no such thing as a hyperbole in the Imperial Navy; they simply had too many resources for true exaggeration.

"You must be hungry," said Padme after a mutual pause as each contemplated the weight of their dire situation.

"Yah!" said Luke enthusiastically.

_I do hope I can eat solid food, _thought Luke as Padme carried him into what looked to be a very stylish lounge. To one side it expended outwards into a balcony with a magnificent view over Coruscant and on the other, a frosted glass door lead to a chic kitchenette of a style that Luke had only seen in off-world magazines.

"3PO," called Padme softly, "did you make the formula for the baby?"

"Why yes, Mistress Padme," replied 3PO as he hastily trundled into the kitchen "It's being kept warm,"

The golden droid, looking shinier than Luke had ever seen him, indicated to a strange contraption containing six milk bottle sitting in six identical slots arrange around a central glowing orb.

"Thank you, 3PO," said Padme graciously and Luke almost smirked. C3PO had never been treated so politely by anyone; the droid he knew would have fallen over in shock. However this new and much more appreciated model simply excused himself in order to get back to the important task of sorting out Master Anakin's clothing.

Why Darth Vader's wardrobe needed rearranging, Luke could not imagine, after all what could you do with wardrobe full of identically black robes?

"There you go,"

Padme held out a milk bottle to Luke and he grasped its smooth sides feebly but she did not let go. Instead she gently tilted him onto his back and Luke found himself in the rather compromising position of being bottle fed by a woman he had known for less than an hour. Han would have found something indecent to say but Luke simply laid back and enjoyed the taste of warm milk.

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**AN: Next chapter - Darth Vader meets his psychological match in some very cute looking Jedi Younglings. **

Please review - your thoughts mean so much to me!


	6. Old Sins and Long Shadows

**Title:** Twelve Roses and a Receipt

**Chapter:** 5. Old Sins and Long Shadows

**Summary:** After Bespin, Luke is reunited with his father and mother when a cruel trick of fate throws them into an alternative universe where Palpatine failed and they are forced to act like a functional family. Vader/Padme and baby Luke.

**Keywords:**

**Rating: G**

**Genre: **Adventure/Humour

**Timeline:** Post ESB/ Legacy Era

**Author:** Wellingtonboots

**Archive:** Slytherin Serpent,

**Status:** Short Multi-chapter

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**AN: Some hint of confusion about Luke's parentage - Padme has told Vader that Luke isn't actually his son but Bail Organa's in the "real" universe. The 'real universe' is basically exactly the same as Star Wars postESB so Luke and Vader did believe they were related. Whether this is true is part of the plot. ****However in the alternative universe Luke's body does share half of Vader's chromosomes so they are related. **

**I have noticed this story gets quite a lot of hits but not many reviews - I don't mind but constructive criticism is always welcome!**

**There's some lovely fanart by Valvar on livejournal but you need to to add her as friend first - .com/profile**

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As Vader strolled cautiously through the hallowed hall of the Jedi archives, he forced himself to think positive thoughts. Exactly the type of thoughts that his former Master had been so adamant he filled his head with. Now, Vader was not so sure he really did have the last laugh in their tumultuous relationship but he was about to set that right.

"Anakin," the familiar jarring sound of Obi-wan Kenobi's cheerful voice carried through the oppressive silence.

Several padawans turned from their terminals to frown at the ill-mannered cretin but hastily turn back when they saw it was none other than General Kenobi. As the Jedi master hurried towards him, Vader found himself fantasizing about crushing Obi-wan's larynx but pushed the thought aside before his irises could return to an unsightly shade of yellow.

"I'm sorry to shout like that," muttered Obi-wan with a disgusting air of embarrassment, "I need to see you before the council reaches a decision about Darth Sidious."

"I am with the majority of the members, Obi-wan," said Vader quietly, hoping that Kenobi would not notice that he no longer referred to the manipulative, conceited Jedi as 'master'.

"Well, you see they have been question _everything_ Sidious has done including putting you on the council."

For second Vader was at a loss of how to correctly respond; stepping down from the council would remove him from the scrutiny of all save Kenobi but Anakin, the pathetic specimen of a man he had once been, would be sulking and whining relentlessly in this situation. Perhaps it was best to stick with the latter reaction; at least he did not have to feign the anger.

"_How could they_!" Vader hissed with moderate menace; he was sure that Anakin could not have mastered the passionate heights of anger that Darth Vader had attained.

"Anakin, I am afraid that when you associate with Lupine you will get fleas…"

Allowing himself a second to roll his eyes at Kenobi's remark, it was one habit that he still practised from his days as a Jedi, Vader carried on in the same righteously hurt tone of voice that Anakin loved to employ.

"I have done nothing wrong!"

Mentally he was keeling over with mirth at the irony.

"I'm sorry Anakin but-,"

"You never wanted me on the council! You were always holding me back!"

_Yes, now that _is_ true, old man, although it is rather ironic that you are actually younger than me…_

"That is not true!" insisted Obi-wan "this has nothing to do with you, Anakin. It is simply -,"

"You think Sidious had some evil plot to use me? I would never let him!"

"Okay, Anakin," said Obi-wan hurriedly as if he was afraid the irate Anakin would disappear in a melodramatic huff. "This conversation is not productive; my real mission to see you today is about the youngling class we are going to teach this afternoon,"

Vader fought to contain a spike of surprise; the force really did have a cruel sense of humour.

"You forgot, didn't you," said Obi-wan in the disappointed tone of voice that had grated Vader from childhood.

Fighting to keep his true anger from flaring to life, Vader gritted his teeth and stretched out into the force with a Jedi calming technique that he had been forced to employ.

"Yes, I did."

"Well that's unfortunate because we are due in the crèche in about ten minutes."

Vader didn't reply, he was too busy suppressing the images of blank eyed corpses staring at him from across two decades of pain and regret.

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Luke was starting to feel very sleepy after a full bottle of warm milk. Padme had set him on the sofa with a stuffed brown mammal and sat down beside him with a portable computer terminal to work.

Out of curiosity Luke craned his neck, which did not crane very far, to look at the floating screen.

"The Galactic Senate" were the only three words he could really make out, accompanied by the old Republic logo which looked a little too imperialistic for Luke's taste.

_I didn't know Padme was a senator…maybe I should have paid more attention when Leia was droning on about history. _

"Wad that?" he asked pointing at the screen with his best imitation of a toddler.

With Dorme, who was apparently Padme's lady in waiting, taking time off from her duties Luke thought it was best to get his act together if he wanted to keep his cover.

"Mummy's working, baby," cooed Padme, "I'm proposing an amendment to the constitution."

She paused to frown in confusion,

"Well at least I think I am…"

"Amendment" and "constitution" were words that normally cued Luke to start daydreaming.

"Where-," Luke was about to say _Darth Vader_ but then decided that if the apartment was bugged by journalists, as Padme constantly feared, they would all have a great deal of explaining to do in front of the entire galaxy.

"Where's Daddy?" asked Padme with an ironic smile.

_He's not my father! What kind of a father would cut off his son's hand? – Wait I'm actually not related to Darth Vader…this is going to take some time to get used to…_

His head had been buzzing with questions just a few minutes ago but Padme, who in Luke's opinion was unduly paranoid, made it very clear that they were to keep up their charade even when they were alone. That meant no grammatically correct sentences or using vocabulary consisting of more than two syllables. Luke was reduced to stewing in silence over the revelations that the past day had bought.

It was only this morning that he had left the Rebel base in high spirits, ready to take on the Empire and bring freedom to the galaxy. Now he wasn't even sure if he would ever see Leia, Wedge or Shira ever again. The thought of being stuck in this twisted alternative universe for the rest of his life was too horrible to contemplate. Now he fervently wished that he could turn the clock back and return to the world where things were not so complicated.

"Daddy's at the Jedi temple," said Padme. Her voice chased away Luke's depressing thoughts and gave him a glimpse of hope.

Even though they had spent less than a day together and exchanged fewer words than two Rodians at a blaster fight, Luke already felt comfortable in her presence. She seemed to radiate warmth and kindness despite her cool demeanour and cynical approach to life. It was with a tinge of sadness that he thought how much he would have liked her to be his mother.

"Daddy will be home this afternoon, because Mommy has to go to work."

"You're leaving me with _him_?" demanded Luke in shock.

Padme looked disapprovingly down at him from a great height and gripped him around the waist to left him up to her eye level.

"Now, baby, what did Mommy tell you before?"

Luke tried his best to make a baby expression, despite the fact that he had no idea what expressions would be considered normal for a baby.

"Mommy has a busy job and it seems she didn't arrange for any daycare so you're going to be a good boy for Daddy."

Padme's stern expression was enough for Luke to concede defeat. Three years of having to deal with Leia's stubborness and Han's obnoxious pigheaded nature had taught him to pick his battles with care.

"Okay, Mama,"

"Good baby, when Daddy gets home, I'll tell him to start making dinner," continued Padme as she set Luke on her lap. "We'll have peri-peri chicken tonight. You'd like that won't you?"

"Peri-Peri" and "chicken" were two words that had never made it into Luke limited Outer-Rim vocabulary and he wonder vaguely if the dish tasted as ominous as its named would suggest.

_Well, with Darth Vader as head chef, even stewed root vegetables can be deadly,_

Briefly, an image of Darth Vader in his full mechanical glory glaring down at a pot of slightly burnt turnip flashed into Luke's mind. Several hours ago he would have burst out laughing at the mere thought of the Dark Lord entering a kitchen but now that Luke might actually have to taste the food, he found the situation much less amusing.

_I can only hope that he actually knows how to cook, or at least I can hope he blows himself to pieces in the attempt…_

_

* * *

_

-

-

Darth Vader, Darth Lord of the Sith and heir to galactic throne had no intention of blowing himself to pieces – there was no need – the thirteen younglings of the Bear Clan were all too happy to this for him.

Rivalling even the most ruthless of Darth Vader's predecessors, these thirteen younglings had sensed his discomfort long before he stepped through the crèche doors. Now, like a nefarious pack of nexu, they rushed towards him, attracted by the scent of prey. Fighting the humiliating urge to duck behind Obi-Wan Kenobi and use him as a human shield, Vader held his ground against the onslaught of miniature monsters.

"Hello, children!" exclaimed Kenobi as he reached out to pet each squealing abomination as they milled around him tearing at his robes.

A suffocating tide of claustrophobia was threatening to choke him once again. The haunting image that had etched itself so deep into his mind that no amount of meditation could eradicate weaved before his eyes like a waning mist. Blank lifeless eyes of every shade and hue shimmer before him, each pair filled with betrayal and accusation. Somewhere in the darkness a single child-like voice cried out to him "_Master Skywalker, there are too many of them!"_

"Anakin, are you okay?"

He was leaning against the wall, beads of cold sweat trickling down his forehead.

"I'm fine!" snarled Vader as he felt a heavy hand land on his shoulder. Twisting violently out of Obi-Wan's grip he staggered backwards and stared back at the assemble group of _children_.

"I felt a disturbance in the force," said Obi-Wan, his blue eyes shining with concern.

"I'm fine," stated Vader, forcing his voice to stay even. "I need some fresh air."

Without looking back, Vader ran towards the exit.

* * *

**AN: Some biological points - Vader is physically in every way Anakin. His capacity to feel emotions and connect with the light side of the force is the same as Anakin's. The only thing Vader brings are his memories and knowledge. Therefore Vader's old memories are able to trigger a much bigger response in Anakin's physical brain than Vader's. **

**Please review! I love reviews!**

**PS: Has any other author noticed that the story traffics stats are not working? I have no record of any statistics since the 7/4. **


	7. Death by Childcare

**Title:** Twelve Roses and a Receipt

**Chapter:** 6. Death by Childcare

**Summary:** After Bespin, Luke is reunited with his father and mother when a cruel trick of fate throws them into an alternative universe where Palpatine failed and they are forced to act like a functional family. Vader/Padme and baby Luke.

**Keywords:**

**Rating: G**

**Genre: **Adventure/Humour

**Timeline:** Post ESB/ Legacy Era

**Author:** Wellingtonboots

**Archive:** Slytherin Serpent,

**Status:** Short Multi-chapter

* * *

**AN: Thank to everyone who reviewed. I have been asked what the point of this story is - I assure you all that the plot will eventually unfold if the action and adventure take a while to arrive. **

* * *

"Yes, Master Yoda, I do think he has been behaving very strangely ever since he got back from Mustafa…"

There was an inaudible crackled over Obi-Wan's comlink,

"No – I don't think he's ill. He really needs some time to sort out his life. Palpatine had an incredible strong hold on him over all these years," he paused slightly to listen to Yoda's reply, "Yes, I am giving all the support that I can."

Another long moment of silence filled the crèche hall and the thirteen younglings stared with awe and excitement at the comlink from which Master Yoda's garbled voice was emanating.

"I will be checking up on him this afternoon after I've finished the lightsabre lesson and I will send him your best wishes."

With a decisive jab of his finger, Obi-wan ended the call and turned back to his assembled pupil.

"Now my eager younglings, shall we try a new kata?"

A cacophony of affirmative noise rang through the crèche and Obi-wan made a mental note to bring a sound dampener next time.

By the time Anakin came back, the younglings were hankering for some duelling action. One particularly eager child named Ashoka Tano loudly suggested that they would learn much faster if only Masters Kenobi and Skywalker would let them duel!

Obi-wan tried to keep the surprise at Anakin's return out of his expression and smiled pleasantly at the gathered younglings many of whom had decided this was their best and only chance to impress two padawan-less Jedi Masters.

"Now children, I don't think we should be doing any duelling practise just yet. I have one more force exercise we have yet to complete,"

"Is it dodge ball!" cried Ashoka with great enthusiasm, "we should play with paintballs, it gives us more incentive to dodge!"

"You are a very smart young lady, Ashoka," said Obi-wan, "that is exactly what we are going to do, now everyone line up."

Anakin, he noticed, still hung behind him, unhappy and unsure of himself. Still this was his first encounter with younglings since his initiation into the temple and perhaps deep down inside the Hero with no Fear was rather scared of these boisterous youngsters. That beg that question of _how in the stars was he handling the baby?_ Presumably Padme and Dorme were doing all the work for him.

The paintballs were duly bought out and the younglings dived into the box faster than a flock of mynocks spotting an exposed power cable.

Armed to the teeth with exploding paint balls of all different colours and sizes, the thirteen younglings filled the hall with their excited squeals. Behind him, Anakin sent a disturbing tremor through the force.

_Honestly, _thought Obi-wan shielding his less than generous thoughts from his former apprentice, _you've defeated vast armies, came out unscathed against all the odds, but you're scared of a few younglings – it's not like they're going to eat you, Anakin! Perhaps a bit of paint will get you into combat mode again._

Without giving his apprentice any physical sign of what he was about to do, Obi-wan swung his paintball in Anakin's direction, helped by a hefty burst of telekinetics.

To his extreme astonishment the round rubber ball exploded across Anakin's face plastering his hair and robes with sickly green goo.

_Oh my, I guess I'm never going to hear the end of that one…_

An explosion of laughter broke out across the hall mingled with shouts of "_do that again!"_

Anakin, Obi-wan saw, looked even more shell-shocked than the time when he had entered their apartment to find his former masterhas set the kitchen on fire in an attempt to cook. Obi-wan's lack of culinary skills was legendary amongst the Jedi but Anakin's permanent departure for Padme's apartment left him with no choice but to fend for himself.

Green slime was dripping leisurely off Anakin's chin and splattering onto his mangled robes but it made very little difference. A crazy splash of neon green now decorated Anakin's dark brown tunic making it look as if he had become the reluctant canvas of a modern artist.

A few moments later Obi-wan was partly relieved to see his apprentice reach up to wipe the paint off his face. Unfortunately, the slime had already begun to encrust itself onto Anakin's skin and his scrubbing merely caused his face to turn one shade redder than before.

With his sole attention focused on Anakin, Obi-wan failed to notice the significantly larger bright pink paintball hurtling towards his face until his world exploded in a sea of pink gloop.

"Well done, _master_," snarled Anakin as they sat together in Laundry room 2B waiting for their robes to return from the abyss that was the washroom.

For a second, Obi-wan almost caught something _different_ flicker across Anakin's expression, as if just for a single moment his former apprentice seized to be and something _else_ had taken his place.

Shaking the absurd thought from his mind, Obi-wan attempted to find some semblance of peace in the blank cream tones of the laundry room wall.

"Well, it could have been worse," aid Obi-wan trying to inject optimism into his tone but failing miserably.

"How could it have been _worse_?" hissed Anakin through tightly gritted teeth. "the younglings and the entire crèche hall are coated in several layers of crusty multicoloured slime, not to mention our faces and robes."

"Well, I'm sure it will all come out with a good wash," replied Obi-wan calmly.

"How am I supposed to go home to Padme?" demanded Anakin gesturing to his face and hands.

"At least you are not _bright pink_, Anakin," snapped Obi-wan finally loosing what little of his patience he had left.

A dark glimmer of amusement leaked through the force followed by a faint sense of bitter gratification.

"Delight in other's misfortune is not the way of the Jedi,"

"Mmm-," muttered Anakin leaving Obi-wan feeling, not for the first time, that his apprentice had left something _nasty_ unsaid. In fact it felt as if Anakin was withholding a great deal of decidedly unpleasant remarks recently that he had been clearly thinking but never saying. Tactfulness was not in Anakin's rather limited list of virtues and this unexplained change in his former apprentice was a little…._unsettling_.

"You're been awfully quite these days," commented Obi-wan keeping his tone was neutral as possible but Anakin's eyes sparkled with an emotion he could not quite describe.

"Have I?" Anakin asked coolly,

"Well, I suppose it must the stress of the baby – Luke's nearly nine months old now isn't he?"

"Yes, and he's becoming a handful," replied Anakin causally.

"You know, it's not too late to change your mind regarding Jedi training,"

"I've told you I have no _intention_ of sending my child to the Temple. Even if I did, Padme would never agree to it."

Every conversation regarding Luke's potential as Jedi had ended unsuccessfully for Obi-wan. He wished fervently that he could make Anakin see that the life of a Jedi would be the best possible thing for young Luke who was as talented in the force as his father. However Obi-wan had to concede the point that even if Anakin could be bought on side, there was no possible way to persuade Padme to give up her only child. The last time he had attempted to bring the subject up, he had been summarily banned from the senator's presence on the pain of being thrown out of a window.

Just as Obi-wan's thoughts turned to the said window, Mace Windu walked into the laundry room… and promptly burst out laughing.

* * *

Darth Vader, strolled purposefully into Padme's apartment, having finally scrubbed the green slime off his face. Anger, humiliation and confusion raged through his mind, sending spikes of passion into the force but with no Jedi in the vicinity, the emulations of the Dark Side remained undetected.

_Why? Why did that one memory decide to haunt him now? He had felt only twinge of remorse after slaughtering the Jedi younglings…they had been guilty of the same crime that the entire Order had perpetrated…so why was he unable to face them now? Why had he been so distracted by their presence that he had failed to see a giant ball of bright green paint flying at his face!_

Remorse was not an emotion Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith should even contemplate feeling. Whatever uncomfortable emotion that was fuelling his irrational psychological state, _it was not remorse_. He was Sith and mercy was a weak flaw of the human body that needed to be conquered through knowledge of the Dark Side. Pulling on his pain and confusion, he wrapped a cloak of pure rage around himself, finding some security in the swirling darkness that enveloped his mind and soul.

As he entered the lounge, still fuelling his rage with thoughts of murder and destruction, he saw Luke perched on Padme's lap eating a piece of guri fruit and dribbling juice all over the upholstery.

His _wife_ looked up with pure annoyance at his entrance.

"You're back early," she remarked coolly, as she wiped Luke's juice covered hands.

Vader glared at her, feeling the pent up rage he had been suppressing for last two weeks threatening to boil over. He no longer wanted to control the seething monster inside of him that demanded revenge for her abandonment.

"_You bought him here to kill me!"_

Suddenly Luke squeezed his piece of fruit too hard and it went flying into Padme's hair. For a second they both paused in shock and then burst out laughing, Luke's high pitched giggles mingling with Padme's bell like laughter.

For a moment, all the years of pain and anger melted away before Vader's eyes and he was once again on Naboo, racing Padme across a flower covered meadow, watching her eyes dancing with joy and her laughter ringing in his ears. The memory melted away as abruptly as it appeared but something had shifted inside his mind, as if the monster had retreated back into the abyss and he could think clearly again.

Killing Padme would only damage his chances of bring his plan to fruition, for now he needed her right where she was to allay any suspicions. She would provide him with the perfect alibi when the time came.

He watch impassively as she hastened to clean the dripping pieces of fruit from her perfect brown curls and a small part of him was secretly glad he would not have to remove her.

The boy on the other hand – the slobbering helpless toddler – would eventually be of use. He had decades to brainwash the boy into becoming an obedient servant. Vader felt a deep sense of bitter satisfaction: the boy was going to be _his_ creature.

As if sensing his dark thoughts, his wife and Luke turned to glare at him in unison. Smiling once more with a putrid pleasure, Vader retreated into his study to plot.

* * *

"He's so creepy," muttered Luke as soon as Vader had move out of ear shot. Over the course of the last few hours, he had mastered the tongue movements to make his speech almost coherent.

"Mmm -," replied Padme, wiping vainly at the yellow fruit stains that were now scattered over her royal blue couch.

C3PO choose that moment to appear and, as per his personality, panicked at the state of the expensive upholstery.

"Oh Mistress Padme! Is that Rodian Blood? I shall clean this up at once!"

"It's alright 3PO – there's stain remover in the kitchen cabinet," said Padme wearily to the shining droid as he scurried away like his existence depended on it.

"Has he always been like that?" asked Luke licking his sticky fingers with relish. He had only tasted guri fruit on one occasion when the Rouge Squad had the great fortune of capturing a supply ship bound for the Executor. The untold luxuries on board were mostly far too exotic for Luke's tastes but guri fruit was the one thing he truly loved. In the days and months afterwards, he found himself dreaming of that small yellow fruit even more than he dreamt of the small farmstead that had been his first and only home.

"Well your father did program him, so that probably explains the anal-retentive paranoia,"

"Wah!!"

Luke had resolved never to be taken by surprise again after the string of terrible shocks to his system but this was one revelation too many. Not for the first time, he was beginning to seriously doubt his own sanity. Perhaps this was all just a terrifying dream concocted by his sleep deprived, guri fruit addicted mind. Maybe if he pinched himself hard enough he would wake up back in the pilot's barracks, drooling into his pillow.

"Yes, when I first met Anakin on Tatooine he had already completed C3PO. He salvaged the droid from the junkyard where he worked."

Luke choked on his own finger in shock.

_His father – no Darth Vader – working in a junkyard?_ For a split second he envisaged a grumpy Sith Lord rummaging around piles of rusty metal with one hand whilst choking a customer with the other.

_Wait did she just say Tatooine? I really need to get out of here before my sanity breaks!_

"You know," he said weakly as he felt his pulse return to normal, "maybe it would be good idea if you just told me right now everything you know about Darth Vader and then I won't have a heart attack every time you say his name."

She looked back at him with wiry amusement,

"I guess Obi-Wan really didn't tell you anything…"

"Well, I only knew him for about two days," said Luke regretfully, "he hardly had any time to tell me about the force before Vader chopped him."

"Well," Padme leant forwards to push her holo terminal aside, "I suppose we should start from the time I became Queen of Naboo…"

* * *

**AN: I may not be updating for a while considering exams lurk on the horizon. Please review!**


	8. Change me, Please

**Title:** Twelve Roses and a Receipt

**Chapter:** 7. Change me, Please

**Summary:** After Bespin, Luke is reunited with his father and mother when a cruel trick of fate throws them into an alternative universe where Palpatine failed and they are forced to act like a functional family. Vader/Padme and baby Luke.

**Keywords:**

**Rating: G**

**Genre: **Adventure/Humour

**Timeline:** Post ESB/ Legacy Era

**Author:** Wellingtonboots

**Archive:** Slytherin Serpent,

**Status:** Short Multi-chapter

* * *

**AN: thank you for waiting for so long whilst I slaved away over my exams. Read and Enjoy.**

* * *

When it was finally time for Padme to leave for her senatorial meeting, Luke's mind was spinning once again with an overload of information. The heady, breathless mix of excitement and astonishment had left him quite unable to think about anything else until Darth Vader emerged from his study.

"Anakin," said Padme crisply as she tucked her holo terminal into her elaborate robes, "I need to leave now,"

"Very well, when will you be back?" asked Darth Vader his eyes betraying no emotion as they stayed riveted to Padme's face.

"Seven, Dorme's on her day off so I'm afraid you will have to cook,"

Forgetting entirely the anecdote Padme had just told him about Anakin's impressive culinary skills, Luke almost panicked.

"What? Please I'd rather starve to death!"

"That can be arranged," said Darth Vader as he turned his piercing ice-blue gaze on Luke. Once, Luke had thought that much of Vader's terror inducing image was provided by his suit. The blank eye sockets of the mask and the constant barrage of his respirator had become legends in their own right. However as he stared back into Vader's human eyes, he realised his fear had only increased.

At that moment R2 came hurtling into the apartment beeping furiously. In the wake of all that had happened, Luke had almost forgotten his trusty droid so it was a welcome relief to see that his friend was still fully functional and very well polished.

"What happened?" demanded Vader reaching out a hand to stop the droid with the force. The little astromech apparently enjoyed being manhandled by Vader as much as Luke did. Emitting a series of high pitched beeps, R2 extended one wickedly sharp metal pincher and attempted to jab Darth Vader's unprotected backside.

Needless to say the effort was futile but before Vader could extract his legendary vengeance, R2 hastily delivered the urgent message that had caused him to come careering into the room like a homing missile.

"Dorme's been attacked!" cried Padme, her voice becoming uncharacteristically high pitched.

"She's fine, she's in hospital," replied Vader, listening intently to the long string of unintelligible beeps and squeals.

"I'm going to see her," said Padme, all the colour gone from her vibrant features, suddenly she looked much more like the fierce fighter Luke had first met in the jungle just a few hours ago.

Vader merely nodded as if giving permission for her to leave but Luke seriously doubted that even the Emperor had the strength to stop Padme at that moment.

In the wake of Padme's hasty departure, Luke found himself worrying about Dorme. Though they had never met, Padme's account of her life had already introduced Luke to the kind, brave young woman who had shared so many of Padme's trials and tribulations.

He was so absorbed in his thoughts that he did not manage to escape in time when Vader gripped his around the middle and hoisted him off the couch.

"Let go of me!" snapped Luke twisting furiously to get away from Vader's grip.

The Dark Lord did not reply but simply pressed him to his chest and walked out onto the balcony with Luke unwilling sitting in his arms.

A thousand speeders rushed past in the busy sky lanes that surrounded 500 Republica. The setting sun glowed fierce orange on the horizon, bathing everything in gold and amber. The huge artificial canyons between giant skyscrapers were already thrown into shadows and darkness, broken only by the occasional glint of reflected sunlight from the top of a moving speeder.

Coruscant was every bit as breathtaking as Leia had described and Luke forgetting who was holding him, paused to marvel at the testimony to sentient ingenuity.

"Impressed?" asked Vader, his voice soft and low.

Glaring up at his captor, Luke distained to reply and continued to wonder at the hundreds of thousands of interconnected walkways that snaked between building complexes forming an intricate spider's web of glittering transparent tunnels.

"They are watching us, you know," whisper Vader, pulling Luke up his eye level, his lips almost touching Luke's ear. His warm breath fanned across Luke's cheek as he pressed his soft lips against Luke's delicate skin.

Suppressing a distinct shudder, Luke tried and failed to spot the spies that were surveying them on the exposed balcony.

"Five o'clock, one droid, one human," whisper Vader, pulling his lips away leaving a stomach turning patch of wetness on Luke's cheek. Forgetting instantly that they were being watched, Luke angrily scrubbed away at his skin until he was sure all of Vader's evil spittle had been removed. Deliberately, he wiped the back of his hand across the Dark Lord's leather tarbard with pure revulsion.

_Thank goodness, Han and the Rogues aren't here to see this,_ thought Luke, _I am never going to talk about this – ever!_

_Mmm,_ said Anakin's voice inside his head, _I do wonder exactly what your pathetic friends would have to say when they discovered your parentage. _

_Bail Organa is my father!_ Thought Luke fervently, whilst trying to raise his mental defences at the same time but he found the force which had once served his beck and call responded only sluggishly to his commands.

_Yes,_ hissed Anakin's voice saturated with dark pleasure, _that's what Padme would like for us to think, isn't it?_

"What?"

In Luke's confusion he had spoken his thoughts out loud and he felt Vader's gloved hand pressing into his back in warning.

_We are being watched…_

Stretching out to the force once more with a great deal more concentration than he was used to, Luke searched through the teeming mass of life to identify their watchers.

The human broadcasted a sense of cool confidence into the force, a definite professional. There were no hints in his feelings as to what his task was besides surveillance and his thoughts were tightly shielded.

_Oh this isn't good_, thought Luke.

_Mmm,_ came Anakin's voice, echoing eerily inside his head this time, _I suggest you act a lot better than you have been – they are getting suspicious. _

_Who are they?_ asked Luke not bothering to disguise his curiosity and apprehension.

_There are a hundred threats in this galaxy that would make your blood freeze many times over,_ replied Vader, his voice laced with foreboding, _today we have merely seen one of them._

Turning on his heel, without so much as an explanation, Vader strolled back into the apartment. Behind them, the transparisteel doors leading to the balcony sealed shut with a hiss. R2, who had been hiding behind a curtain for the last ten minutes cleverly waiting for Vader's ire to fade, silently fell in step behind them as they across the lounge.

"Looks like I'm going to have cook," said Vader with something akin to sadistic enjoyment in his voice as they entered the stylish kitchenette,

"Don't poison me," said Luke feeling the familiar sense of dread creeping under his skin, "Padme -,"

Before he could finish his sentence, one natural finger was jabbed into his mouth.

_This apartment is bugged; thankfully I just cleared the kitchen of listening devices._

_Oh_, thought Luke feeling very confused and even more stupid. He had simply assumed that Padme, being a politician, had developed an ingrained sense of paranoia that even Master Yoda would find hard to correct. Apparently her paranoia was well founded but who would want to listen to their private conversations?

In the midst of his musings, Luke found himself once again a free baby. Vader set him down gently on the dining table and moved to the refrigeration unit.

The entire kitchen was decorated in contrasting shades of white and black. The cabinets doors were of gleaming white stone, polished to perfection and the counter tops were made of sturdy black granite with interlacing veins of grey and pink. To one side fitted between two cabinets was a strange glossy black contraption that looked as if it might have been made of the same material as Darth Vader's armour.

The cabinets, counters and contraptions were arranged around the walls surrounding the elegant glass dining table standing in the centre of the room.

Emerging from the refrigeration unit, which could easily house Chewbacca and his crossbow, Darth Vader laid out the ingredients for their dinner on the table in front of Luke: bizarre smooth white spheres arranged in a large plastic box, a piece of what looked like raw meat and several unappetising red vegetables that bore an uncanny resemblance to the boils Wes Janson would mysterious contract when it was his turn to filled out the paperwork.

"Break the eggs into the bowl and stir them with this," Vader produced a glass spatula with an intricately decorated handle.

"I thought you were going to cook!" said Luke accusingly as he tried to grapple with the huge spatula that was almost as tall as he was.

"You're going to help," stated Vader in the same tone that once sent Imperial officers running in terror. Normally, Luke would have been less than cowed by this attitude but when Vader mysterious produced a wickedly sharp piece of metal from inside his tarbard, Luke decided he was a little unprepared for this argument.

Taking a smooth white orb, which must be the eggs, Vader had been referring to, he carefully cracked the shell against the sides of the glass bowl and watched with fascination as the gelatinous white contents slowly slid into place. On one of the counters, Vader was swiftly chopping root vegetables with deadly precision.

Unfortunately the next egg did not behave as well as its counterpart. The shell refused to crack and in a moment of unthinking desperation Luke squeezed the hard outer shell with all his might. An explosion of sticky white matter splashed across his face and exposed torso, encasing him in a mucus-like layer of egg.

The shock was enough to trigger his crying reflexes and to Luke's embarrassment he was once again wailing at the top of his lungs. R2, true to his caring personality, immediately handed him a towel draped on an extendible arm.

"My, my," said Vader, the twisted sardonic smile, "the great hero of Yavin is reduced to this,"

Through his tears, Luke could feel his anger waiting to erupt and his immature cerebral cortex was in no shape to control the boiling rage.

As Vader approached with measured steps, Luke felt his sadistic amusement swirling through the force, feeding his insatiable anger.

"And the Emperor thought you would be a threat…"

Without any conscious thought, Luke reached out to grab an egg. Summoning all the negative emotions he could feel so keenly at the moment, he hurled it will all his might at the monster who had tormented him for so many years.

With one flick of Vader's wrist, the flying missile swerved off course and cruised straight into R2's dome making a sickly squelching noise as it struck.

"Nooo!" howled Luke, his mind nothing but a vicious tornado of hate and anger.

"Oh no!" echoed Vader without any trace of sarcasm.

The sudden shift in the force was enough for Luke to clear his mind and the volcano of rage that had been threatening to erupt disappeared as swift as mist blown away by the wind.

Without knowing quite why, Luke looked down at himself with a sense of foreboding usually reserved for Star Destroyers and Sith Lords. His soft, tight fitting underpants had changed to bright blue colour and even as he watched words began to appear across his private area.

"_Change me, please,"_

"Oh stars no!" snarled Vader, his complexion turning an unhealthy shade of pink.

"What happen?" asked Luke,

"You lost control of your bowels!" snapped Vader and before Luke could protest he was being lifted from the table and carried out of the kitchen at arms-length.

"What? I didn't-I didn't lose control of my _bowels_!" cried Luke, but even as he denied it he could feel his cheeks glowing with mortification.

In the bathroom, also decorated with granite and marble, Luke was unceremoniously dropped onto a gaudy plastic mat that ruined the décor with a vision offending display of blue and yellow ducks.

A bag, equally tasteless, floated out of the adjacent cupboard and Vader, a look of sheer disgust firmly plastered on his features, pulled out another pair of white underpants.

"Stay still, don't make this any harder than it has to be," snarled Vader, viciously pressing Luke's body down onto the mat.

"What are you going to do?" asked Luke as an icy sense of dread gripped his heart. _Surely the Dark Lord of the Sith was not contemplating –_

A wet wipe appeared in his peripheral vision and with a mind of its own, the damp cloth started to clean his face and torso of their slimy layer of egg white.

_Okay, _thought Luke desperately trying to control his breathing, _that wasn't too bad._

He was forced to reconsider when, with one force assisted rip, his soiled underpants came apart at the seams and an offending odour floated into existence.

Revulsion and hate fought each other for pride of place across Vader's features, making him look as if he was trying to decide whether to destroy Luke or run from the traumatic scene. Perhaps, Vader's mortified discomfort would have been amusing, had Luke not been lying prone on a plastic mat with his privates in full view of the Dark Lord and R2. If embarrassment could be fatal, Luke would have probably been six foot under and sinking fast.

Unable to bring himself to physically touch the soiled underpants, Vader made the offensive object float into the bin but this did nothing to alleviate the smell.

If the force was not cruel enough, Luke felt rather than saw Vader's hand clasp both his ankles and lift his legs into the air, whilst his other hand swiftly wiped all the exposed areas with a damp cloth.

_Just close your eyes and pretend you're back at Base,_ thought Luke desperately, _You're still at Base playing cards with Han – you're still at Base chatting to Leia – breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out_

The horrifying sensation finally disappeared and Luke opened his eyes just a sliver to see Vader wrapping the new pair of underpants around him.

_Okay – it's over – it's over, I'm still alive…_

"Never tell anyone about this," hissed Vader, his voice barely audible even in the silence of the bathroom, "Never _ever _tell anyone about this."

"Don't worry," said Luke not able to meet his eye, "I'm not going to live this down either,"

* * *

**AN: Please review feedback is always welcome. **


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